What you’ll learn:
- Returning to intimacy after a long break should not be rushed.
- Before you go back to sex after a break, make sure you understand why you lost your intimate connection in the first place.
- Talk with your partner about your expectations and worries.
- Before you engage in partner sex, explore your own sexuality.
They say sex is like riding a bike, you never forget it. Well, I dare to disagree. As someone who never felt comfortable on a bicycle as a kid, when I finally bought one in my 30s I felt like I was learning the whole thing all over again. Getting in the saddle, finding your balance, turning…
If you and your partner have had a long sexual break, you may feel like you don’t even know when you start. I’ve worked with many women and couples who avoided intimacy for so long that their relationship became practically sexless.
Returning to intimacy after a long break should not feel pressured or rushed. You don’t want to get discouraged and go back to your trusty evenings, lounging on a sofa and watching new episodes of Bridgerton.
I’ve collected a list of steps to consider if you want to awaken desire and bring the sexy back into your relationship.
Be Brave And Face The Facts
As a sex counsellor I see couples struggling with low libido all the time. It’s rarely just a matter of sexual routine or boredom. Most of the time there are some deep underlying issues.
For new parents the simple reason why she may be avoiding intercourse would be pain during penetration. Couples dealing with the aftermath of infidelity may have to process their feelings and rebuild trust. Some people, both women and men, may not be interested in lovemaking due to depression and other health concerns.
Understanding why you’ve been staying away from sexual contacts and dealing with those underlying causes should always be the first thing to do.
Reconnect With Yourself
Going back to partner sex after a long break is kind of like returning to team sports after a big injury. First, you need to do your physical rehabilitation. Then, you reacquaint yourself with movement, the ball, the bat, or whatever tool you’ve used in your games. You learn how to trust your own body’s intuition again before you can join your team on the field.
Cat was a woman in her mid-30s. I worked with her on her low libido and she told me she hadn’t had sex with her husband for a year. When I asked her “do you masturbate,” she said no. I told her that jumping straight into bed with her partner might be too abrupt. She needed to feel like a sexual person again before she could share intimacy with Remy.
When you’re searching for long lost orgasms, sex toys are your best buddies on the pleasure journey. For the women I’ve worked with, a clit suction sex toy was the way to go. These vibrators offer a shortcut to deep, clitoral O’s. Plus, using them feels a bit like receiving great oral, which may help you ease into the sensation of having an actual tongue on your clit when you’re ready.
Use Your Mouth. To Talk
When you and your partner are open to explore each other’s bodies, there’s one more important step to make. Talk about it. You’ll feel better prepared and get a chance to release some tension and hidden feelings about your upcoming close encounters.
Here are some of the things to talk about before you go back to sex after a break:
- Share how you feel about the idea of having sex again.
- Talk about your expectations. What would you like to experience?
- Mention your boundaries and what you’re not ready for.
- Open up about your worries. What do you think might go wrong? And what are you going to do then?
- Assure one another of your love and affection.
Get to First Base
As a European I know very little about baseball. I know there’s this ball which doesn’t look like a ball, a bat, and some guys or gals running around, trying to catch it.
As ignorant as I am about the sport, the idea of “getting to first, second, and third” was ingrained in my mind from the time I was a teenager rowing up in post-Communist Poland, watching American TV series. And I have been using it to explain to my clients how they should proceed when returning to intimacy.
So, when I mention getting to first base, I mean all the intimate things a couple does outside the bedroom. There’s holding hands, hugging, and kissing (remember that one?). You can give each other massages (but don’t go into the full tantric-inspired ritual yet!). Let the sensual tension unfold.
Explore Sex Beyond Penetration
I used to work a lot with new moms who had lost their sex drive. And the number one reason they gave as to why they had been reluctant to make love, was pain.
The number one rule of going back to sex after a break is: don’t rush it. If you don’t feel ready for intercourse, wait. Allow your body, and that includes your nervous system, to get used to pleasure. Let your lover indulge you with long caressing sessions (I know – not so easy when you’re nursing a 6-month-old). Get creative with your sexual repertoire. Masturbate in each other’s presence, engage in outercourse. Have fun and your body will let you know when it’s ready for more.
Have Good Enough Sex
Nothing can discourage you to go back to regular lovemaking than miserable first experiences after a long break. But it’s not the lost erection, or the lack of orgasm, that will make those experiences miserable. How you deal with mishaps as they happen, and after, will make or break your newly rediscovered intimacy.
I am a big believer in Good Enough Sex. In my understanding the more we accept that making love will always be imperfect and unpredictable, the more fun we’ll have. So, when you think of your first intercourse after a break, strive for good enough instead of unforgettable. And make that good enough count.
Finish Up With Style
OK, so you’re done with the ins and outs (literally) of your first sexual intercourse after a break. Don’t close the curtain just yet! This is a chance to deepen your connection. Say what you liked. Express what you’re grateful for. Stay in physical contact. Or… continue the pleasure using toys or hands if you feel one or both of you hasn’t had enough.
Your Chance For A Fresh Start
When a couple stops having sex, there’s always a story behind it. Quite often it’s a story of poor intimate communication, lack of knowledge about the art of lovemaking, and difficulties expressing and processing feelings. Going back to sex after a break is a chance to start anew. Don’t try to do everything perfectly, do your best, learn about what works and what doesn’t, and improve as you go. Just don’t forget to enjoy along the way!
Go Back to Good Sex With Ease
Reviving desire and returning to intimacy after a long break can feel daunting. You may be asking yourself “where do I even start?” My tried and tested sex counselling programs for women and couples give you the tools and foundations you need to restart your sex life without stress, find your pleasure, and strengthen your relationship.
Learn more about my free discovery calls and book one for yourself. I will check if I can help, and explain what your road back to good sex might look like.
Main photo credits: Wesley Davi