Highlights

• A report based on Gallup surveys collected between 2008 and 2023 attempted to answer the question “are married people happier?”
• According to the data from heterosexual Americans, being married is positively linked to the sense of thriving in life.
• Surprisingly, the percentage of married couples has a positive impact on the whole community.
• The report doesn’t give evidence that marriage is the cause of happiness, however.
• It’s possible that people who decide to get married have a certain set of character traits which make them more predestined to thrive in life.
• In my sex therapy practice many couples share they are happy together but feel more like friends than lovers.

When I was a kid I used to watch this American TV show that started with a song by Frank Sinatra. It went like this “Love and marriage go together like a horse and carriage.” But is this really so? I recently found an article explaining the results of the analysis of Gallup surveys on happiness and well-being and became intrigued by the results. So, are married people happier in the end?

Data Analysis Reveals the Marriage and Wellbeing Link

A recent report prepared by Gallup and a conservative think tank Institute for Family Studies explores whether there’s a connection between subjective well-being and marital status. The analysis was based on a huge database collected by Gallup from surveys among Americans between 2008 and 2023. 

Here’s what the report revealed:

Married People Are More Likely To Be Thriving in Life

Data from different years showed a consistent positive correlation between marriage and thriving in life. But what does it mean to thrive in life? People who took part in the surveys were asked to rate how close their current life was to “best possible.” Next, they had to answer how they expected that rating to be in the future. 

Those who were classified as “thriving” answered at least 7 out of 10 on their current life satisfaction scale and at least 8 when predicting future happiness. 

According to the most recent data from 2023 (from people aged 25 to 50), being married increased the chances of wellbeing by 17 percentage points, compared to adults who never married. That “happiness advantage” has been consistent over the years, ranging from 12 up to 24 percentage points! Now that’s a lot!

The Effect of Married Couples on Local Communities

Another surprising finding concerns the impact of married couples on the wellbeing of others who live in the same town or city. It turns out that you have a higher chance of living a good life in a place with high marriage rates!

In addition, the more married couples live in a community, the fewer deaths of despair, for example suicides and drug overdoses, happen. 

Married People Are Happier But Why?

Before you run to buy an engagement ring, be aware that the results of the Gallup analysis don’t mean that marriage is the cause of happiness. The data only points out the link between subjective well-being and being married.

Could the explanation of this phenomenon have something to do with people’s characters?

Experts speculate that higher life satisfaction among married people may not be so much linked to the fact of them being in a formal union, but to the individual personality traits that led those people to enter and stay in a committed relationship in the first place.

I think it goes both ways. Some of us are naturally positive, easy going people who are fun to be around. But a good relationship can also help us become happier human beings. We grow together and our spouses’ personality has the power to inspire us. 

A good relationship can also help us become happier human beings.

I know that’s been the case in my own marriage. My husband and I have so many things in common and yet we’re so different. Where I see risk, he sees opportunity. He hardly ever gets sad or frustrated. I know I’ll never be like him (now that would be boring!) but he inspires me every day to strive for that level of resilience and optimism. 

What’s a Happy Marriage Anyway?

It goes without saying that if we’re to feel the positive effect of marriage on our life that marriage should be a happy one. But what does that even mean? 

The answer will be different for you and for me. It depends on the culture we live in, our values, and a million other factors. 

Here in Zurich, Switzerland, where I run my sex therapy practice, I see couples who struggle in the bedroom, but are otherwise happy together. 

When I ask them about the key to a happy marriage, they tell me they are good friends. Even after many years together they enjoy each other’s company and are curious about one another. 

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Here are some of the things I believe make a happy marriage:

• Clear rules. Marriage is an official religious rite or a legal ceremony. In most countries, like here in Switzerland, the couple is asked to repeat the predefined words of a marriage oath or declaration. Depending on the type of marriage ritual, people promise each other lasting love, mutual care, and fidelity. But how often do those people really think about what these declarations mean? Clear rules and values help couples feel safe and withstand difficult periods. 

• Autonomy. I’ll be honest with you, I’m not a fan of name changing after marriage. Some countries at least cultivate the double-name tradition. I feel uneasy when it’s always the woman who assumes the name of her husband in a heterosexual union. To me it gives off an impression of her giving up some of her identity for the sake of the spouse. Whatever your personal views are, cultivating individual self-worth, interests (and even separate bank accounts for some) reduces the risk of over-relying on our partner to make us happy. 

• Kindness. It’s a simple and forgotten virtue. It’s not Hollywood-style dramatic. Everyday kindness is what stays when the initial passion and the “crazy in love” phase end. Small acts of service, like making your wife a cup of tea or remembering to hang the towels in a certain order because your husband likes it this way, are more important than buckets of roses (although I do appreciate receiving flowers once in a while). 

What’s the Role of Sex in a Marriage?

Traditionally sex was only sanctioned in a marriage and its role was limited to producing legitimate offspring. Today, we can enjoy ourselves in the bedroom without risking an unplanned pregnancy. Still, lots of couples complain about low sex drive and unsatisfying sex in marriage and come to me and my colleagues for sex therapy.

Intimacy is the lifeline of a relationship. The couples I work with on low desire tell me they are losing their bond as the sex dries out. And it’s not just the intercourse that disappears off the menu. For many it’s the whole package. No kissing, no sensual touch, no sexy whispers. Some couples hold hands or hug while watching “Bridgerton” but these are more friendly expressions – there’s no fire in them. 

I chose to train in a somatic psychotherapy method called Bioenergetic Analysis because one of its principles is that pleasure is our life force. Orgasms are like the electric current that nurtures our vitality and helps us overcome hardship. 

People who don’t receive or give themselves regular pleasure may have a tendency to depressive moods. One of the symptoms to diagnose depression is called anhedonia – the inability to experience pleasure. So, the lack of sexual contact between spouses may be linked to their mental health and the atmosphere in the relationship may suffer.

“Marriage is finding someone who can stand you”

Amy Schumer

Can You Be Single and Happy?

Should you sign up with a matchmaker after reading the Gallup report? Certainly not! If you’re currently single and living your best life, there’s no point trying to find a spouse. 

Nowadays the institution of marriage is losing its meaning and focusing on the question “are married people happier” doesn’t take into account the full spectrum of modern relationships. Many people choose not to have a wedding but still live in long-term relationships. And what about gay and lesbian couples? What about those who opt for less popular options such as polyamory? I hope that researchers will follow up on the “are married people happier” question and check how happiness and being in any kind of relationship play together. 

Those of us who are married or in a relationship should constantly work on the quality of our life together. After all, wearing a golden ring in your finger won’t magically make you happy.

Go Back to Good Sex in Your Marriage or Relationship

My favorite mantra as a sex therapist is “In sex there is always hope.” I firmly believe that it’s never too late to solve intimate problems. At any age we can learn to enjoy lovemaking again.

Sex therapy can help you and your partner see the root cause of your challenges (things like low libido often have an underlying cause).

With my help you can learn how to talk about intimate topics without shame or stress. I give you concrete tools and exercises to try at home. By building a new approach you can open a new sexual chapter in life. Remember how it felt to giggle in bed with that special person after a night of making love? Book a first sex therapy session in Zurich or Thalwil and find out how I can help you go back to good sex.